Wednesday, December 13, 2006

what's been going on...

so much has changed, and my life is better for it. i feel like i'm entering into a new phase in my life, a phase that i'm ready for, and a phase that will be amazing.

last month was a tough one for me. i broke up with my boyfriend that i had been with for two and a half years, the boyfriend who was the big reason behind me moving to st. louis in the first place. it wasn't an acrimonious breakup, although i still think it hit him out of nowhere. i think we're going to be friends again, at some point...he's too important not to be, and we have far too much in common. but, the relationship wasn't working. it was painful, it was the culmination of things that had been going on for at least six or eight months...but i feel a lot more equipped to deal with my life now that i'm single again.

i never really got on top of school this summer. the situation with my boyfriend was a constant all semester, and then there was everything else. there was the summer job hunt...which was the one battle that i did win, since i landed my dream job in chicago for the summer. it took longer than expected to come to terms with the fact that i didn't make the competition trial team this year. (although, i may be able to do a foil team at a tournament next semester--i'll have something to prove, and i'll make the coaches rue the day they did not put me on their team.) i've just felt very disconnected from everything most of the semester.

but the last few weeks have been fantastic. i moved into an apartment on my own back in july, no roomies or anything, but i spent so little time there while i was with my boyfriend--i just stayed there. anyway, now that i'm there all the time, i've turned it from a glorified storage locker into a real place that feels like home. it's still very spartanly appointed, since that's my style, but it's clean and pleasant for me to spend time in. i spent thanksgiving in chicago with my close friends from college. i spent the weekend before finals on another trip, visiting a new friend of mine. finals week (which is still going on) is pretty stressful, but not as stressful as usual...i'm heartened by the fact that everything else in my life seems to be shifting into the place it's supposed to be in for the moment, and i can put them in perspective. (i lacked the ability to put finals in perspective last year--they completely consumed me, and made me impossible to deal with.) next semester is going to be loads of fun...i'm doing a clinic where i actually get to work with the public defender and try cases, and i'm going to take voice lessons.

i'm a pessimist at heart, but i can't help but feel some hope when i look at my life right now versus my life a month ago. a month ago, every day was awful, and i felt trapped, entrenched, disconnected, and confused. now...things just look better.


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