Monday, May 16, 2005

eating issues

Nikki, I can't say that I've had the same issues as you have with your eating disorder. In fact, my problem has been quite the opposite.

I have struggled with my weight since I was very young - 7 or 8. I was an overweight child, an overweight teen, and now I am an overweight adult. Eating isn't something i've just always enjoyed, it's something i do to fill my voids. When I am sad, I eat. When I am bored, I eat. When I am angry, I eat. When I want to celebrate, I eat. It's been a constant struggle. Chocolate has become an addiction.

I remember watching "Requiem for a Dream" a few years ago, and being able to identify with the overeating character. It's like food calls to me.

When I was fifteen, I decided to diet. I lost almost 35 pounds. I was finally down to a size 12, which is the smallest I've ever been since I stopped growing. But it slowly crept back, and then some. When I was 23, i was the biggest I've ever been, and I decided to diet again, losing over 40 pounds...I was very proud to fit back in my size 14's. Since my wedding, the dieting has stopped. I try to be good, but I find myself filling my grocery cart with things that aren't exactly healthy, and indulging on things like regular soda's, or twizzlers from the vending machines at work. It's just tiring. I've gained back nearly 20 pounds of the 40 I lost in the last year.

It's a hard thing to admit, but I truly think OVER-eating is as much of an eating disorder as not eating at all, but I've never sought help for maybe you're doing the best thing you can by going to see a nutritionist.

I think healthy living comes when you eat foods that make your body feel good, and you don't stuff yourself. I have accepted the fact that I will never be thin, but finding my balance with eating is something I will always struggle with.


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