Thursday, June 02, 2005

real or imagined?

i'm reading a book called "slim to none: a journey through the wasteland of anorexia treatment." it's basically a collection of journal entries from a girl who struggled with the disease from 14 to 25 until she finally passed away at 45 lbs. her father released the book. it's a very astute look at the inner workings of the mind as it struggles to find a reason for the starvation. (as i've said 8 million times, i've been anorexic and an exercise bulimic. now, i would simply be classified as ednos.) one of the points that is brought up in the book is how the narrator spent her whole life in fear of everything. one therapist in particular figured that there must have been some form of abuse, whether physical or sexual in nature, that brought on some of these fears. i spent my entire life in fear, long before my ed showed up and before i was raped. i assumed i was a natural-born worrier. my mother said as much. much like the girl in the book, i remember being spanked everyday, with a wooden spoon or a hairbrush. i'm not crying physical abuse here, people. i'm just stating a recollection. my mom gets very hurt when i say that what i remember about my childhood is being spanked everyday. she says it wasn't true. i agree now that it probably wasn't, but that still doesn't change the fact that when someone asks what i remember about my childhood, getting spanked everyday always comes to mind. i know why i was spanked so much. back then, i pushed and pushed and pushed my mom until she had to take a stand. she thinks i pushed just to see how much she really loved me, whether she would eventually give up on me. that was something she never did. i spent most of my childhood in a game of sorts in which my mom and i were the only players. it was called, "you're good, i'm bad, you win." it was always a competition between us in my mind. maybe it was because we were so alike--i still don't have an answer to that one. what i do know is that our relationship improved dramatically after i began an anti-depressant regimen. heck, i even hated the existence of my younger brother until i was about 20 and had been taking my medicine regularly. it was a strange feeling not to hate him anymore, but to enjoy hanging out with him. knowing how i acted as a child is a big reason why i'm afraid to have any children of my own. i don't want to bring another little monster-child into the world. my mother spent a lot of time protecting me from myself. i'm not sure if i'm strong enough to do that for someone else. another thing brought up in the book, is a situation in which the girl remembers her mother doing something to her, but her mother adamantly denies that it occured. i think it had something to do with the mother making her stay in the dog house as punishment. i have a similar situation that i have remembered, but my parents swear never happened. i must have been 7 or 8 when it happened. i snuck a chocolate pudding pop (remember those) and took it outside to eat it. i thought i would get in trouble for taking it if my mom found me with it. i heard her opening the front door, so i threw it in our garage underneath a car that was parked in there. needless to say, the garage floor was dirty and dusty and gross. since i'm a bad liar, i looked completely guilty when my mom found me. she asked me what i'd done. i told her. she made me show her where i threw the popsicle. i did. she got angry that i wasted it by throwing it on the ground. so she picked it up and started shoving it down my throat, dirt and all, saying i wasn't going to waste it. i remember crying and being disgusted by the fuzz on it (by the way, i have a fuzz phobia--maybe this is where it stemmed from). anyway, i mentioned it to my mom one day when i got older. she couldn't believe i would suggest such a thing. my dad wouldn't believe that my mom would do anything like that. did i just make that detailed of a story up in my own mind? is it a real occurrence like i think it is or an imagined circumstance? anyone have any idea or anything similar in their own background? any advice would be helpful.


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