Saturday, May 28, 2005

Checking In...

Checking in again...I'm really bad at remembering to blog, but I'm here reading!

Glad to see you here, Anna! I'm down in Virginia for the summer to work with orientation at a university down here. I really love this campus, it's quite beautiful. The past couple of days, I've been reading outside by one of our (many) fountains, and working on my tan/burn :) I'm hoping I can go back to IL with some decent color, since I'm usually so horribly white.

I was thinking earlier today about the different trips that I'd like to take...I'd definitely like to hit the ocean, and I'm planning to go to NYC at some point in time (I've got a friend that's working up at NYU that'll host me), plus I'll be going to a conference in North Carolina near the end of my time here.

Issues that have popped up here...

Weight stuff...Nicolle, I'm really in the same boat as you size wise, although I've never been able to successfully hold myself to any type of diet thus motivation to, I guess. I'm trying to be more healthy lately though - but not by "dieting," by learning to eat better and exercise more. Sometimes I do well, other times I don't. I have access to the rec center here, I just need to drag myself over there and start running :-P The frustration that I do have is my hips, and those really aren't going to change, so I need to get over that :(

Update on my old stuff - I put the deposit down on the apartment with my coworker, and I'll sign the lease when I get back to IL. I'll save about $100 on rent, which will definitely be nice. I think my goal might actually be to try to put at least some of that $$ into my savings account through the semester so I can have money to job search in the spring.

Men...hah! I haven't dated since....god, junior year of college (so, 2 1/2 years ago)?! It's been a while. But then, on the other hand, there hasn't really been anyone that I've wanted to date. I don't date just to date. Maybe I shouldn't care, but why waste my time on someone that I see no potential (for marriage) in from the beginning? I just don't see the point...But I guess I shouldn't be so concerned. I'm 22 (well, 23 in a couple of months), so I have plenty of time to worry about marriage later.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005


Hi girls! I'm very excited to be a part of your blog. Here's some info about me: I'm 24, unofficially engaged and living with my boyfriend, (his name is Jamie), a recovering anorexic, and currently in school to be an eating disorder therapist. I live in L.A., grew up in Colorado, and I have 3 sisters (1 older, 2 younger). I work at a bank right now-it's putting me through school-but my interests run more towards the arts. I love dance and music and "crafty" stuff like knitting and sewing.

random stuff, i've just been busy recently. this whole working two jobs thing is driving me nuts, but i have to do it for another two months. two more months, and i get to move to saint louis. between now and then, though...i have to work work work, move to my summer sublet on june 14th, find an apartment in saint louis, and find a roommate (it looks like my boyfriend and i are not in fact going to be living together right off the bat, which is probably a good thing if only to have some sort of transitional phase where we just live in the same city).

this past weekend i finally got to see my boyfriend for the first time since early mock trial team had a cocktail party on friday night, so he came in friday through sunday for the cocktail and assorted hanging out with me. it was so nice to spend two days with him...especially since the last time we saw each other was at the mock trial national championship, and although we got to see each other some, i had to coach and do stuff with my team, and he had to coach and do stuff with his.

i wish i had had time last week to do an entry to address the talk about weight and stuff... as for me, i've always been a big girl...i've been a size 14/16 since i was in middle school, and i still am. there was one time when i was 13 (i'm now 22) that i starved myself and worked out obsessively and starved myself some more and made it all the way down to a size 12 in about three months...but i decided that i hated doing that. i got made fun of a lot in elementary school and middle school, of course, as is the lot of every fat kid...sometimes it bothered me then, but as i got older, i started to not care at all. i didn't date much at all in high school...but once i got to college, i gained a lot of confidence...and i've never had any trouble at all attracting people on account of my size...or on account of anything else, really. in short...i don't think i'd give my body size up for anything...i like being curvy, i have a nice set of breasts and hips that are proportional to my waist, and i'm very much like the body type of the kind of women i'm attracted to.

i really don't think of my size as either an issue or a is definitely part of who i am in the sense that it probably plays a part in my (hackneyed?) annoyance that fashion magazines and movies and tv shows are devoid of women over a size six or so...but in the things that actually matter to me, the only thing about my body size that i really think about on a regular basis is wearing clothes that show off my curves.

Monday, May 23, 2005

new member

please welcome anna as our newest member. here's some info she sent me about herself in an email. sounds like a cool chick to me!! "I'm 24, a recovering anorexic now in school to be an eating disorder therapist, and I live with my boyfriend and our 16-ish fish (they had babies). It seemed like you could use a West Coast girl (I live in L.A.). :) I grew up in CO, I have 3 sisters, (1 older, 2 younger), and besides psychology, my interests run more towards the artsy side-dance, music, (I sing and play the piano), crafts (knitting, sewing, etc.). I love to read and I live for chocolate. I work at a bank. P.S. Also, I'm not a Nikki or Nicholle. :)"


Thursday, May 19, 2005


i've started walking around our large parking lot at work twice at lunchtime and have converted myself to eating a healthy choice meal at lunch. i still need to get more exercise in, but like erin was saying, i'm working 2 jobs and doing a play, which pretty much takes up all my time. if i throw working out in there (which i also never had to do to stay in shaped) when will i have any time for myself? i have a puppy at home who i never play with and a boyfriend i try to fit in as well. hopefully that will be a little bit easier when we move in together in 2 weeks. i can't slack off on my 2nd job because i have a $944 dental bill and a $600 medical bill to pay off. grr.

the major ways in which my body has changed are:
1) i now have a belly (complete with stretch marks)--it makes wearing pants or sitting uncomfortable sometimes.
2) i have serious cellulite on the back of my thighs. it used to just be on my upper thighs, but it's creeping down to wear it's visible if i were to wear shorts (which i can't ever do!!)
3) i just don't fit into my pants like i used to and my boobs are getting bigger. these are annoyances, because i can't really afford to go buy new bras and pants.

as for my eating disorder, i've been anorexic and an exercise bulimic. i've also obsessively chomped on baked lays before, on the reverse end. i'd eat a whole bag just because i had to, if that makes any sense to anyone? i ended up screwing up my metabolism in a big way. took forever to get it back to normal. it's not that i want to go back to that way, but i just want to shed these pounds. should i try slim fast or something? i'd really like to lose this excess weight by my birthday--july 4th. any ideas?

Monday, May 16, 2005

Eating Disorder Stuff and Personal Issues

About the eating disorder stuff...I think it's really sort of like alcoholism. It's always a problem, and one needs to be constantly aware that food is an issue.

I know I don't eat as well as I should. I always have good intentions, but I don't like healthy food. It's too much work to cook, and it's hard to cook for one person. So I don't.

I'm sorry I haven't really been around much here. I'm moving to Virginia for the summer on Saturday, and I still have a lot of packing and all of that fun stuff to do, plus I'm not really sure where I'm storing my stuff, nor where I'm living when I come back this fall. I'm looking at apartments tomorrow with one of the women that I used to work with, and I'm REALLY hoping that it works out. I mean, to the point where I'll be severely disappointed if we don't sign a lease tomorrow, because this is really stressing me out.

There's just so much going on right now, and I guess I should be much more active in solving the problems than I am, but I just keep sitting back and saying, you know what, it'll be okay. And it will...hopefully.

How Ironic

How strange; I honest to God had Twizzlers and a Dr. Pepper for my morning snack! Got me to thinking about eating problems, too. I was the kid that couldn't break 100 lbs to save my life growing up. Flat as a board all over, no boobs, no hips, but food sure tasted good. I was always very active, even into my college years. I worked 40+ hours at one job, attended classes full time, and also worked a few nights a week at the bar. So I could still eat whatever I wanted all day, and it never caught up to me. Then it happened. I graduated from college, got a raise and a boyfriend. I didn't have school to occupy my time, and quit at the bar out of respect to the guy. In less than 1 years time, I gained 40 lbs. I have been steadily gaining and losing ever since. The once 100 lb me is hiding somewhere inside the 167 lb me. She screams to get out, but is sated if I stuff a doughnut (steak/cookie/potato chip/twizzler) in her mouth. I never had to exercise to stay thin, so its foreign. Its not enjoyable, no matter what I try. And its time consuming. When am I supposed to relax? I look at myself in the mirror and see skin and fat hanging off of myself, and even have stretch marks on my hips and thighs. The only thing that keeps me sane is looking back at "skinny" pictures. I looked like a crack baby; unhealthy, with my cheeks sunken in. So, while I may be overweight now, it could be worse. I could look like that again. Whatever stage you are at is never the "right" stage. Just remember its about being happy about what you have. Not trying to be something you aren't. If you can get comfortable in your own skin, you give off an heir of confidence. People don't think you are out of the norm unless you point it out to them.

eating issues

Nikki, I can't say that I've had the same issues as you have with your eating disorder. In fact, my problem has been quite the opposite.

I have struggled with my weight since I was very young - 7 or 8. I was an overweight child, an overweight teen, and now I am an overweight adult. Eating isn't something i've just always enjoyed, it's something i do to fill my voids. When I am sad, I eat. When I am bored, I eat. When I am angry, I eat. When I want to celebrate, I eat. It's been a constant struggle. Chocolate has become an addiction.

I remember watching "Requiem for a Dream" a few years ago, and being able to identify with the overeating character. It's like food calls to me.

When I was fifteen, I decided to diet. I lost almost 35 pounds. I was finally down to a size 12, which is the smallest I've ever been since I stopped growing. But it slowly crept back, and then some. When I was 23, i was the biggest I've ever been, and I decided to diet again, losing over 40 pounds...I was very proud to fit back in my size 14's. Since my wedding, the dieting has stopped. I try to be good, but I find myself filling my grocery cart with things that aren't exactly healthy, and indulging on things like regular soda's, or twizzlers from the vending machines at work. It's just tiring. I've gained back nearly 20 pounds of the 40 I lost in the last year.

It's a hard thing to admit, but I truly think OVER-eating is as much of an eating disorder as not eating at all, but I've never sought help for maybe you're doing the best thing you can by going to see a nutritionist.

I think healthy living comes when you eat foods that make your body feel good, and you don't stuff yourself. I have accepted the fact that I will never be thin, but finding my balance with eating is something I will always struggle with.

Friday, May 13, 2005


i TOTALLY got confused when i saw the last post from nikki. i was like, "did i write that?" THEN i remembered there's more than 1 nikki on here. hehe.

things have been crazy around here. i'm working both my jobs and have been doing a play. it runs for another month. on top of that, my eating disorder is trying to work its way back in the door. the hardest moment thus far came yesterday around 3 pm. i'd held out and hadn't eaten up to that point. i knew that if i continued to keep strong, i could start the process. i talked to a coworker about my struggle and she went and microwaved me a healthy choice meal. i just couldn't bring myself to do it. once she'd made it, then i could eat it. i know it sounds stupid. does anyone else have issues like this? i thought i'd conquered this one already. guess demons never truly go away.

Thursday, May 12, 2005

moving in, part II

moving in with a boy can be fun, but it can also be frustrating. after chris and i were engaged, we bought a house. he moved in. I technically didn't. But I stayed there alot.

It's a whole new perspective in a relationship when the moving in occurs. Sharing the household duties, and getting used to each other's habits. For the most part, it's great, but there are things we drive each other nuts with.

Chris is a procrastinator. I am not. He is also a homebody, and I like to go, go, go!. He likes to wait to load his dishes into the diswasher until he is ready, not when the dish is no longer being used, and I HATE dirty dishes in the sink. He HATES when I leave my wet towel laying around in the bedroom, I hate when he leaves the newspaper all over the house.

It's a lot of work, but sometimes you really just have to learn to pick your battles. And that's the key to living with ANYONE in peace. :)

Monday, May 09, 2005

moving in w/ a boy

so, my bf and i are moving into a house june 1st. it's a big step for me. the scary thing is that we've started talking about how many kids we want to have and what we want to do before we have them and marriage ideas. YET neither or us is willing to totally admit that we want to get married. i don't think i'll be proposed to soon, but i do see it coming within the next year and a half. scary . . .

Wednesday, May 04, 2005


i'm not naked...but that's because i'm about to go to work. i've had so little time for anything lately between waitressing and still working at the library. at least this is for only three more months.

three more months, and then i'm moving to st. louis for school. i know it's finally going to happen--last week i finally found out what my financial aid package is going to be, and they're giving me a large scholarship. :) that makes me really happy.

now i just have to survive three more months of working two jobs, survive two moves (one to my summer sublet and another to st. louis), and then i'll be where i want to be.

i'm naked!

i'm streaking!
just thought i'd liven this place up!!