Thursday, February 24, 2005

seasons of change

i felt much the same when during the transition from high school to college. i didn't even want to apply to college anywhere. i spent most of my time hiding in my room over the summer. granted, this was before i was on anti-depressants, which might have made a difference. i've never been one for enjoying change. i'm 27 years old now and just looking for a new job has been a great achievement for me. it's easy to stay in a safe, familiar place and get into a nice cozy rut. doing something about it creates risk, something i'm afraid of, moreso than most people.

i understand what you mean about being ready to close this chapter in your life, but at the same time, mourning it. memories and repetition and rhythm grow as comforting as surroundings. not only will you be leaving the city, but you'll also have to relearn schedules and make new memories and meet new people. this can also be exciting and refreshing.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

my days are numbered...

has anyone else had the experience of knowing they're only going to spend a finite amount of time in a certain place? i'm only going to be in chicago for a few more months. it's a strange feeling, given that i've lived here since 2000, and i've really felt at home here. but, i know it's time to move on, and i can't wait to move to st. louis to be in law school and be with my boyfriend.

the problem is, i absolutely can't move there until june, until my lease is up on my apartment here in chicago. the problem is, i have needs here in chicago. i need to find some way to make more money to make ends meet between now and then, to make some money as well to actually pay for the move come june. i have needs here in chicago, and i can't bring myself to want to actually meet them, since all i can think over these last couple weeks is that i've closed the book on the chicago phase of my life.

between spending a week and a half with him in st. louis at the beginning of february, and then finding out i'm in at wash u, it's like my heart has moved on to st. louis already, whereas my body is stuck here for several more taxing, arduous months. despite my friends being around, despite having some things to do here, i still just feel so hollow except for that hour or two a day i spend on the phone with my boyfriend. i feel like i'm treading water, but i'm starting to lose motivation even to do that. i haven't felt like this since the end of high school, so anxious to get out of where i am and start something new somewhere new, but at the end of high school i had so much less responsibility to wade through in the meantime. all i really had to do was lock myself in my room as much as possible and evade my parents. now all i really want to do is lock myself in my room and evade everything until june (or, at least, spend all my time either sleeping, coaching mock trial, or partying with my friends...), but i know there's no way i can.

my days are numbered here in chicago, and i'm not dealing with that well at all.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

strange or fascinating?

what do you think about this? i'm a weirdo who finds it fascinating. i seriously think there's something in the water in egypt. an abundance of their children are born like this.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

inlaws/bf's parents/family

it would be a tremendous transition to gain a new family, nikki. it's already difficult when you're just dating a guy to understand his extended family and to fit in. my first serious bf, whom i dated for 4 years, was the 8th kid. not only did i have to impress his parents (who were my grandparent's age), but his 7 siblings and their families as well. that was a difficult task. his mother was an alcoholic and his father was very sick and barely spoke. it was always awkward. his sister, who was married to a guy and had a son, was always kind of hitting on me. my bf told me he suspected she'd dabbled in both ends of the sexual spectrum b4. my next serious bf only has a mother. for some reason she liked me, and still does. my current bf, of 2 years, has a mother who never remarried, and a dad and a step mom. i get along quite well with his dad and step mom, but i don't think his mother likes me very much. i don't think it's me personally, but more that i'm taking her son away from her type of thing. she never remarried and expects my bf to spend his days off at her house doing husbandy-type things for her. it's strange. this causes a lot of angst for my bf. i try to be supportive as best i can, but i know that when we get married (notice i said "when" instead of "if") things will be strained as far as our relationship with her.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005


Oh i've been MIA for awhile. So sorry. Life has been nutty.

My last day at work was last Friday. I accepted a job doing design for Cincinnati Children's hospital's Marketing and Communication's department. I start Monday. I am very excited.

It has been an interesting couple of weeks. My husband, Chris, and I just got back from a 5 day trip to the Chicago 'burbs to visit his folks. It was a very eye-opening experience for both of us. Getting used to someone else's family (and being a part of their clan) is a very trying experience. I love his family to death, but they are so different from my own, and it has been challenging to adapt to the differences. He's never been very close to his mother, and he has really tried to reach out to her since we began talking about getting married. It's a struggle for him sometimes, because his mother can be very distant and complex. And it's so hard for me to watch him suffer through this and hurt so much about things she said to him years ago, or her appearance of disinterest in her family - only interest in her computer. It's hard to watch him tear up talking about it, and how he cannot convince her to go to a doctor - nobody can- to have a mammogram and check for various types of cancer when Chris is a cancer survivor. She hasn't been to a doctor of any kind since 1986. Scary. It just feels like maybe she just doesn't care. I know that she is stubborn, but it just feels like apathy.

*sigh* I feel so old whining about this stuff. It's hard to worry about our parents getting older.

5 years today . . .

sarah--i couldn't imagine going straight to grad school after college, let alone go into a phd program! i could barely get through my last 2 years of college. the hardest part, though, is when you're finally done with school. you spend your entire life, minus 5 years, in a structured environment. then, you're suddenly thrust into the world, expected to find a career, manage your own time, etc. it was a huge shock to my system!

today, i am a 5 year survivor of rape. you can find my letter to my rapist posted 2/15 on be sure and read it.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

Not motivated

I'm really struggling lately. I'm just not motivated to do ANYTHING. I get to the weekend and I'm just excited that I can sit around and do nothing. There's so much that I could (and should!) have been doing this weekend, but I just looked at it and didn't want to do it. Maybe it's that I've been in school since 1st grade (er, kindergarten/1st grade. I was promoted mid year) without a break and I'm in my first year of grad school. I just...I know the work has to get done, I just am NOT motivated to do any of it.

The boy situation is pretty much not a situation at all right now. I haven't heard from him in over a week, so I just sent another email asking if he'd thought at all about when he'd come through here. Doubt I'll get a response for another week. It's like this huge roller coaster ride. I don't know why I'm such a moron about it, but I always am. I finally get used to it and decide it's not worth it, then we get to the top of the hill and I come hurtling down and into the curves and bends and "tummy jumpers." I just don't get it. Maybe I'm just lonely.


Hello there!!! first of all thanks for inviting me...i'm sure it'll be great fun!!!
so let me just introduce name is Val and am italian but lived in England for quite a long time and i now live in the south of France...if you want to know more just come and check my blog...alright then, i'm just gonna start reading the blog and catch up!
take care!!!

Friday, February 11, 2005


erin--email me your cell again. i lose things like that all the time.
nicolle--congrats on getting into law school!
other nikki--do you have any pics of your new house?

life has been quite busy for me lately. i'm looking forward to sleeping all day sat. i'm working 2 jobs, rehearsing 1 play, have a readthru for another play this weekend and auditions for a musical on sunday. i'm also trying to get a new job, which means leaving the security of the other one. scary. i think i've found a place that i actually want to work! it's an insurance agents association, so i'd still be working in the same field. instead of working with the general public, which can be very tedious at times, i'd be working with agents. sounds more appealing to me. i had my first interview on wed which went very well. my 2nd interview is this coming wed. they gave me a packet of benefits and such to look over. i'll check it out this weekend. i also have to memorize my lines for the play this weekend. i only have a few, but i need to get cracking.

Wednesday, February 09, 2005


a week from yesterday (on the 15th) will be the 5 year anniversary of my rape. for those of you who don't know, the same year, i was also pregnant and terminated the pregnancy. anyway, while i was in california on vacation last weekend, we visited a friend of my bf's who just had a baby. that brought up issues for me, as i still have strong emotions when it comes to seeing small babies etc. anyway, last night i had sex (not that you want to know) but in my mind it suddenly popped up "you just got pregnant." now, i know you don't immediately get pregnant or anything. it takes a few days for those little guys to find their way around. i am on birth control, but i'm also on a strong antibiotic and we didn't use a condom. i know i'm probably just feeling emotions from the past and making things up in my head. would someone please just tell me i'm not pregnant? thanks.

ok, so here's a big rant i wrote on my website. go read it and respond here if you will!

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

wash u boys...

good luck to him! :) depending on when he applied, he should probably hear soon...the last of my application materials just got in about a month ago, they were quick in notifying me.

must be something about boys somehow associated with wash u law boyfriend is a first-year law student there this year.

Nicolle- The boy that I'm talking about applied there for law! I wonder if he's heard regarding acceptance/rejection yet...

I think I'm starting to come crashing back to earth again...but knowing the way this all goes, I'll think that and then swing back up again.

general happiness

first of all, my boyfriend is feeling much better. i'm sad because i had to leave last night to go home to chicago (the old j-o-b...i had to return to work), but at least he's feeling much better. he's just about his old self again, which makes me happy. i'm glad i got to spend a week and a half with him, and be with him through last week...but i still want to see him again soon, when he's feeling good and i'm feeling good and we can go do fun, silly stuff. :)

another development on my of my biggest stresses over the last six months has been the idea of applying to law school, but i found out this morning that i got into wash u, my top choice law school! :) that makes me so happy, it's such a huge weight off my shoulders. st. louis, here i come!!!

back in ohio-bah humbug

so, i'm back from vacation. go to my site if you want to read the highlights. i had a great time, but am glad to be back, petting my little puppy, maisie. missed her!

i have an interview tomorrow night, so hopefully that will go well. i'm going to continue to look for new jobs online in the meantime.


Sarah - I say go for it. If you have no one else around, at least you are enjoying yourself with someone rather than being alone. As for ruining a friendship, I think that a strong friendship can survive it, even if there is a lag of discomfort in the middle if it doesn't work out. And, if it does work out, then you'll be able to laugh at each other about why you didn't act sooner.

Nik - Hows your boyfriend feeling? Though it sucks that he was sick, at least you got time together.

As for me, well, I made a good choice this week, I think. So far. My ex contacted me out of the blue. Turns out that his wife started cheating on him only after he was married for a year. They are separated, waiting on the dissolution paperwork to go through. He didn't plan to seek me out, but came across my photo and thought "What the hell? Why not try?" So, he came over....last night was the first time we saw each other in 4 years. Some things never change. Just relaxed, watched a movie. He came straight from a ball game, so he was only here about 10 minutes when he went to take a shower while I cooked dinner. Guess you don't fall out of comfort. So, I hope that it goes somewhere. I am not yet sure if thats because its him, or because its just someone. I haven't had a boyfriend in 2 years, so I am a little anxious. But, so far so good, so who knows. Not getting my hopes up yet, but we will see =) Have a great week, everyone. And boo to Nikki who is in Cali, away from the rain and crappy Ohio weather. Nah, for real, I hope its the best vaca ever! XO

Saturday, February 05, 2005

still kind of gone...

...well, i've been gone for a while, and i still pretty much am. i haven't been home since before that mock trial tournament, a week ago thursday. i've been in st. louis with my boyfriend ever since the tournament, because he has been ill. he's been getting better, thank goodness...but it's been so worrying. i've just spent the last week being here for him--thank goodness my friend drove me to st. louis from dubuque last weekened. it's one of the nicest things a friend has ever done for me.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Ok, the short story...

Nikki-if you go to my livejournal, I have a pretty cute user icon there that's me :)

The boy issues...I won't go entirely into it because I always get so suspicious of who's looking at what online (hey, I'm guilty of reading the livejournals of students that I've advised), but here's the short story (if you want to know more, either IM me or get on LJ to read :))...

So...there's this boy back home. I've been friends with him for a few years now. He's a really good guy, and even though we've never really been terribly close, we seem to always have fun when we hang out. Especially now that I'm not living there, each time I've been home thus far (3 times) we've done something together, and there's only 3 other people I can say that about (my best friend and her husband, and my mom). Anyway, we went to a wedding together and had a fun time, and I invited him to come here, and it sounds like it's probably going to work out.

I guess it's just this big feeling of confusion. I do think he's a great guy, and would probably be fun to date-but I have no clue how he feels and I'm too chicken to bring it up in case it turns into rejection. If it ruined a friendship, I think I'd probably end up hating myself in a lot of ways for the end, I just want him to be happy.

I just have to convince myself not to overanalyze the situation, and to enjoy it for what it's worth at that moment.

Really? I didn't think it could get stranger

OK girls. Boy problems, Sarah? Sorry to hear that. Hope that they are at least logical. If so, then you are a step ahead of me. So, trying to keep a long story short. 2000, met a boy. His name's Les. Les was dating Donna for a while, then they split and he and I dated. You could call it serious...lived together, classes together, rode to work together....I thought he was the one. Didn't see it coming when he left me and got back with her. Broken hearted. They have since married. At least it worked out, so he didn't leave me for nothin'. Last contact: asked for a recipe via email, August 30, 2002. Fast forward to 2005. He's married, and from running into his sister, he is happy. She can't have kids, so they are considering adopting. Realized that I was actually happy for him......thereby over it. Get a message yesterday out of the blue in reply to my personals ad. Ad is called "Can I stop kissing frogs yet?" Implies all me pre-prince are frogs. Message I got says "So, are you saying I'm a frog? Bet you never thought you would hear from me again did ya? How are you doing? Les" What the hell do I do with that??

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

let's hear about it

sarah's boy problems . . . i wanna hear . . .

also, i still need pics of erin and sarah to add to our site.